The game is over

Sorry for my three days of absence.

On Monday I lurked in coffee shops on Marylebone High Street for two hours awaiting my fate.

At 11.30 I got the call.

‘I’m sorry – but there was no hcg in your system. You can stop taking your medication.’

So there we go. The final ever attempt at project sibling is over.

I’m 40. I’ve given up over seven years of normality to try to have my own babies. I’ve had seven dreadful pregnancies. Two of my babies have died in my arms. One, most happily is quietly sleeping upstairs, and said ‘love you’ for the first time yesterday, which I desperately needed.

I have many thoughts which I will spew onto my blog in the coming days…. And we still have a plan for moving forward. But IVF for me is finished. I won’t subject my body to any more needles, meds, drips, pills. I wont push us further into debt.

Farewell IVF and, short of a natural miracle, farewell the prospect of a nine month pregnancy and a 7lb bundle plonked into my arms. For some reason that destiny was never to be mine.

I’m off to weep a little. Tis required.

Day of reckoning

So, I’m on my way to London to find out if it has worked. In my heart I know the answer.

At 6.30, on the station platform, my parents ex next door neighbour stops for a brief chat.

Amy (daughter with a daughter who is a peer to my son) is expecting her second in March. Oh how lovely I say. Why are you heading up to town? Just a work thing, I lie, slightly tearing up.

I will know within hours whether or not I will ever have another child. I know that the mothers of W’s little friends will start to pop out siblings over the next few months. They are all young and fertile. I know that if this result isn’t as I would wish, then I will have to deal with that.

11dp2dt

Still the plastic stick of hopes and dreams says ‘no… Not pregnant, nothing going on in here, no little aliens burrowing down, no flicker of hcg, no baby, no sibling for your son, no hope….’

I really need a miracle now … Otd is Sunday. Hmmm.