Managing other people’s expectations and kindly meant views

I don’t know whether any other fertility fighters find it tough managing other people’s expectations?

When our little boy arrived prematurely in 2008 we were surprised at how exhausting it was, trying to look after the feelings of those around us as well as trying to focus on the survival of our son. With hindsight we should have just focused on our little boy and hardened our hearts to the concerns of those around us.

Yet again we find ourselves in this position. My little girl is still, miraculously, alive. She really shouldn’t be because of the IUGR reverse flow which has now continued for over 12 days. It could be days, it could be hours til she passes in utero. I am having some sharp pains which I really hope aren’t to do with her passing or being in distress.

The day after we found out that she will die, my parents were off on a much awaited long haul holiday to visit family. I knew how much they were looking forward to the trip and how it would ruin their holiday if they knew the truth, that they may even feel the need to cut their holiday short, so we grinned our way through a quick pre-departure visit from them, told them that she is very small and struggling, and have continued with this story in subsequent email and skype conversations. She is still alive, so we aren’t lying in this respect.

We then felt that it would be wrong for the rest of family and friends to know the truth when they didn’t, so have also told everyone, bar a couple of very close friends who understand the fertility struggle, that she is very small and struggling. In many ways we realise that this will make it easier to tell them when she does die as the seed of possibility has been planted and it will be less brutal for them than going directly from ‘ we are having twins, one boy, one girl‘ to ‘one of our babies has died’.  But managing other people’s expectations is tiring.

It is also tough listening to people telling us ‘ just stay strong, she will make it’ or ‘doctors can be wrong’ or ‘twins are never the same size anyway’, to which I respond respctively, ‘well she may not’, ‘I think that the doctors are pretty competent and know what is happening’ and ‘but she is only the size of a 21 week old baby, which isn’t right’. I understand that everyone is trying to be positive for us and that we know the reality, but it would be easier if they could read between the lines a little more.

Those however, who do read between the lines, can say some fairly astonishing things, although I have to regularly remind myself that 99% of them (happily) just dont and cant understand the fertility battle, or loss of a child… Three people have thus far said:

 ‘Well at least if you lose her you will still have him’

Is it just me, or is this a really odd thing to say? I can see that again they are trying to focus on the positive, but this twin pregnancy is not some sort of lucky dip! I physically feel, and totally love, both of my babies. Losing one baby will not be made just dandy by retaining the other. At 26 weeks and 3 days, I am an expectant mother of twins and neither of them is disposable. This is not just the ruthless pursuit of a baby whatever the consequences. I hope of course that he makes it, and that I get to really enjoy motherhood, but there will now always be a gap, just as there is with the premature baby that I lost three years ago.

Other people eh?